jack’s musings

With the impending release of “The Dark Knight” and the subsequent ramping up of tie-in ads, I figured it’s time for a thought or two.  Film product tie-ins have been popular with advertising executives for a long time.  Traditionally, tie-ins took the form of cheaply made consumer goods that were invariably purchased, lost, and trashed within a week.  However in an age in which companies are desperate to find new ways to reach consumers who are much more adept at avoiding the advertising onslaught, companies appear to have only upped number of ads.  In the case of movies, this increase appears to manifest itself in crappy, pre-release product tie-in advertisements, and they’re harming the movie-going experience for me.

Movies are all about suspension of belief, and good films work hard to maintain an immersive environment we can get lost in.  That’s a large part of the battle of making a great movie, and by all appearances, the new Dark Knight film looks like it will put on a clinic on how to create an immersive film environment.  However the producers are effectively sabotaging their efforts with the release of all of these stupid product tie-in ads.  It’s harder to get lost in a film when I’m bombarded with pizza and cable ads weeks before the film even comes out.  I’m not arguing that these ads ruin films or even significantly degrade them.  I’m likely not going to be thinking about pizza when I’m watching this film,  but these ads certainly do provide context that was not intended by the director, and for me at least, it cheapens the whole experience.

It used to be that companies would wait until a week or so after a blockbuster debuted before they started the onslaught, and I thought that was a fair compromise.  Advertisers got their obnoxious ads in, and I would watch said ads and have the film experience cheapened after I saw the movie.  It wasn’t the best situation, but it at least it made everyone semi-happy.  I understand that at the end of the day, the film business is a business, but could we at least maintain the appearance of these things being important theatrical releases and wait until after the film comes out before releasing all the ads?  (I feel the same about the crappy summer blockbusters too.)  I know this is essentially impossible as we’re already well on our descent down the slippery slope, but I can at least hope that the slope has a large, rocky outcrop somewhere below.

Full disclosure:  I’ve never set foot in a TGIFridays.  Additionally, I have no intention of ever stepping foot inside of a TGIFridays.  There are three main reasons for this.

1) I’m not convinced that it’s not Chili’s/Applebees/Shenanigans , etc.

2) Massive restaurant chains with crazy crap all over on the walls make me highly suspicious.

3) They thought it was good idea to get Guy Fieri, one of the biggest douches in the universe, to plug their family eateries.

I feel like I could burn for hours about how frosted tips are one of the douchiest things in the universe.  Admittedly, I myself came perilously close to doing this to my own damn self during my middle school years, but was mercifully denied by my parents.  (Truth be told, it seems like most of the douchey things I rag on are things I thought were cool in middle school.)  However pardon me TGIFridays when I avoid taking my restaurant and dating advice from a chef and “food dude” who’s celebrity shtick involves a bottle of Clorox, a tub of hair gel, and some lame sunglasses strapped to the back of his head.  (I wonder if he picked up those sunglasses in the Wal-Mart that was undoubtedly sharing the same parking lot as the TGIFridays?)

I’m always stunned at how blindingly stupid some professional athletes can be.  These people are living out the dreams of millions and making millions in the process, and all one has to do to avoid derailing the gravy train is to maintain only the most basic and rudimentary American behavioral standards.  If you can accomplish this one goal, you can at least be guaranteed that your playing career will be judged by your on-field performance as opposed to your off-field shenanigans.  Perhaps this is why I find Travis Henry’s latest drug violation particularly moronic, but I think there’s a little more to this than just a failed drug-test.  I think Travis should be  carved into the Mount Rushmore of professional athlete fuck-ups.

The classic example typical example these days of the fuck-up athlete is the Vick family.  Older brother Michael of course has recently filed for bankruptcy protection  after effectively destroying his career through a dog-fighting ring.  Say what you will about the fairness (or lake thereof) of his punishment, but if I only had to “not run a dog-fighting ring” to maintain my continuous stream of absurdly high income, then I think I’d manage to find a new hobby.  (And let’s not forget about little brother Marcus!)

That all being said, I think the new poster boy should now and forever be Travis Henry.  Henry came out of the University of Tennessee in the 2001 draft and was a part of the Vols’ 1998 national championship team.  He’s bounced around several teams and was recently released by the Denver Broncos  after the team basically gave a vote of no-confidence to his commitment.  Henry however is also famous for having fathered nine children with nine different women.  OK, so if he’s rolling 9×9, he’s probably pretty reliant on that massive paycheck from the NFL and is likely getting pretty desperate for a new paying gig.  (Especially when he’s dropping bad checks in Tennessee.) However Henry decided in 2007 to resume a healthy hippy lettuce habit and failed an NFL drug test during an unprecedented era of drug paranoia in professional sports.  Many thought that this would have been the end of the road for a colossally boneheaded athlete, but he somehow managed to beat the rap by going with the unprecedented “Uh, it was second-hand smoke!” defense.  While even O.J. Simpson might have thought that defense was ridiculous, the NFL actually bought it and dismissed the failed test.

If I’m Travis and I just dodged a mortar blast of a bullet, I’m probably going to try and keep a couple ZIP codes in-between me and the nearest hemp rope, but 9×9 decided to fire one up again and has failed another drug test for marijuana.  Let’s just pause and allow that blinding stupidity to sink in.  I’ll wait.  I feel a slow clap is in order.  Adios Travis.  Thanks for playing, and drive home safely.

I’m assuming this story is going to be all over ESPN and the talk radio circuit tomorrow (or later today depending on your perspective) so I figured I’d take a crack at it now. If you didn’t click on the link, the Houston Astros’ starting-turned-bullpen pitcher Shawn Chacon apparently jumped Ed Wade by strangling him and tossing him to the ground after a verbal altercation. Yikes.

I know when a team is in a free-fall, chemistry issues tend to come up. I’ve seen players get into fights with managers, but has anyone ever heard of an instance in which a player decided to practice judo on a GM? Chacon is currently signed to a one-year $2 million contract with the ’stros, and I’m willing to bet he’ll never pitch again the majors given his poor performance and tendency to pile-drive GMs. As a friend of mine once said, “This is more fucked than a box full of hangers.” We’ll see what happens in the coming days.

Though I have to wonder if Chacon said,”Wadey, tell me how the floor tastes!” before he decided to go Greco-Roman on him. (I’m hoping that joke never gets old.)

One of the strange things I picked up during my time in Nashville was an affinity for hockey. Don’t get me wrong, I still have no idea what’s going on other than the vague idea that some guys on skates are trying to get some black thing into a net thing using sticks. However I certainly appreciate it more than I did before Nashville. That all being said, I’m greatly concerned about the news of ESPN’s mullet-wearing, gaudy suit sporting (not pictured), and no-doubt Camaro driving Barry Melrose becoming the new coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning.

On the hockey level, a quick glance at Melrose’s Wikipedia page reveals that he hasn’t coached since the 1994-1995 season. Before that, he only coached in the NHL starting with the 1992-1993 season. To those counting, that’s a grand total of 3 seasons of NHL coaching experience followed by 13 seasons of being an analyst for ESPN. I may not know much about hockey, but it doesn’t take Brian Bellows (NSFW Language) to tell you that that’s a bad idea. (For the record, I desperately need his jersey.)

More importantly, at a media level Barry has been the proverbial “mourner desperately swinging a shovel preventing a rabid group of undertakers from putting the final nail in the coffin” of hockey since the recent lock out. (Proverbialness not guaranteed.) As far as I can tell, he was the only Hockey analyst that ESPN even had. So where the hell do they go from here? Unless they can lure Don Cherry and his unbeatably-ridiculous-so-don’t-even-try collection of suits away from the CBC, then I fear that hockey will become Canada’s soccer.

One of the interesting phenomenons of the past decade or so is the explosion of eBay and the appearance of idiots who try and sell random junk to make money. I’ve bought many an item of eBay, but nothing like the apple core on which Tiger Woods was munching at the 12th tee during the 2008 U.S. Open. That would be weird enough, but some other genius put Tiger’s apple remains from the 16th on eBay as well! We’ve all seen morons trying to exploit get rich schemes in our own towns, but eBay has given them a medium to reach the world. I think my favorite part of the whole thing is the description of the 12th tee core:

I never touched the core, Scooped it up in a empty beer cup, as not to disrupt the DNA, Ive got lots of witness’…all moneys go to my daughters college fund

Thanks guy. The best thing about eBay is that it’s a great place to buy random, obscure items that you can’t find in your home town, and the worst thing about eBay is that it’s a great place to buy random, obscure items that you can’t find in your home town.

I’m sure most folks have read the accounts of Javon Walker being found unconcsious, robbed, and with a caved-in dome on the Las Vegas strip. (Yes, that Javon Walker.) Javon had earlier been in a Las Vegas club spraying 15 large worth of Dom Perignon over a crowd, and the immediate thought by most was that he pissed off some posse that was also in the club. However the immediate question is, where was Javon’s entourage? Why was he found alone one the strip at 6 in the morning? It’s being reported today that Javon explained:

I was just back at my room, and at about 5:30 in the morning, I got a knock at the door. I opened it, and three guys with guns were there. They cracked me in the head a few times, knocking me unconscious. They then robbed me of everything I had; my watch, money, everything. Somehow they got me to a car and dropped me off in the street. That’s what happened.

At first glance I thought, “Wow, this guy was just the victim of a planned robbery.” But after pausing for a second to think about the implications of this statement, I quickly came to the realization that he’s probably stretching the truth a bit.
Let’s think about this for a second. Firstly, who opens a hotel door at 5:30 in the morning to anyone? And more importantly, who opens the door to a bunch of menacing looking dudes? It certainly wasn’t housekeeping coming in at 5:30 in the morning. Let’s assume for a second that Javon didn’t look out the peep-hole and just blindly opened the door. These dudes beat him up, take his gear, and haul him out to their car. Now let’s pause here for a second. Firstly, what criminal kidnaps a dude to dump him on a street after knocking him unconcious and then taking all his gear? You’ve got everything already. However more important that all of these little hiccups, this was in THE BELLAGIO. That’s right, that Bellagio. Assuming these dudes could even get up to Javon’s suite, don’t you think there would have been some footage of this supposed kidnapping? I’m willing to bet every square foot of that casino has around 9 cameras trained on it, so I’d be a bit surprised that a bunch of dudes hauling a body through the floor of a casino would go unnoticed. Did they dress him up “Weekend at Bernie’s” style and just haul him through the floor? Did they stuff him in a duffle bag and drag him through the casino? Did they bake him in a cake and wheel him out? Essentially, I argue it’s IMPOSSIBLE to drag a body through a casino without looking suspicious.

So Javon, what actually happened?

It would appear that the Chicago Bears have continued self-policing their roster by releasing RB Cedric Benson after his DUI bust this past weekend.  Observers will note that he picked up a boating DUI in the spring, and that Benson was clearly just continuing his life goal of getting a DUI in every type of motorized vehicle.  I was hoping to see him get liquored up and strap himself to one of of those fan/go-kart/hang-glider things, but it looks like the Bears stopped this potentially incredible streak before it could ever get off the ground.  I guess they’ll have to find someone else to run into a pile of dudes and fall down.  I wonder if anyone will ever draft a RB with dreads out of Texas ever again?

My brother and I have had a long understanding. Certain music absolutely drives us insane, and we should have the right to automatically turn off the stereo should one of our forbidden songs appear. We say that these songs are dead to us, and number one with bullet on my brother’s list is Bob Seger. (Those Chevy commercials from the 90s did it for him.) At any rate, I figure this would be a pretty good venue to establish a continuous list of songs/artists that are dead to me. With that, I’m going to go into my first “Dead to Me” song, Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll” of of their album IV.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike Led Zeppelin. I do feel that they might be overplayed to a level of absolute insanity, and there is no better example than the line of Cadillac commercials that ran earlier this decade that featured this “Dead to Me” song:

This may not be the best example as the song is only featured at the end of the commercial, but it’s a good indicator of how commercials can absolutely murder a good song. I can’t even listen to it anymore because I just feel like I’m getting worked. Plus, what about Led Zeppelin is embodied in Cadillac? I understand the company is trying to revamp their image, but could they please not take the greats of rock down with them? They had another great example of a misguided ad choice in their 2007 ad that featured the Teddybears’ “Punk Rocker.” But you hear that in the background? That would be Iggy Pop. (The same Iggy Pop signed off on allowing his iconic drum intro to “Lust for Life” to be featured in featured in a Royal Carribean Cruise Line ad campaign that was mercifully shortlived enough to avoid being added to my “Dead to Me” list)  But I digress, Cadillac murdered “Rock and Roll” for me, and I’ll never forgive them for it.

Perhaps it’s my fault for watching too much TV and listening to too much radio, but these freecreditreport.com commercials have got to stop.  These commercials have annoyed me on such a profound level that I have vowed to never, ever purchase their products.   And they’re just a gigantic scam as well, the credit report is only free if you sign up for some sort of monthly monitoring service through Experian.  On top of all this, thanks to an Act of Congress everyone can already get a free credit report once a year from each of the three major reporting houses. (Including Experian)  These commercials are clearly just preying on the stupid/gullible, and they are absolutely driving me insane.  No real insight here, just a good ‘ole tirade.