I’m assuming this story is going to be all over ESPN and the talk radio circuit tomorrow (or later today depending on your perspective) so I figured I’d take a crack at it now. If you didn’t click on the link, the Houston Astros’ starting-turned-bullpen pitcher Shawn Chacon apparently jumped Ed Wade by strangling him and tossing him to the ground after a verbal altercation. Yikes.
I know when a team is in a free-fall, chemistry issues tend to come up. I’ve seen players get into fights with managers, but has anyone ever heard of an instance in which a player decided to practice judo on a GM? Chacon is currently signed to a one-year $2 million contract with the ’stros, and I’m willing to bet he’ll never pitch again the majors given his poor performance and tendency to pile-drive GMs. As a friend of mine once said, “This is more fucked than a box full of hangers.” We’ll see what happens in the coming days.
Though I have to wonder if Chacon said,”Wadey, tell me how the floor tastes!” before he decided to go Greco-Roman on him. (I’m hoping that joke never gets old.)
One of the strange things I picked up during my time in Nashville was an affinity for hockey. Don’t get me wrong, I still have no idea what’s going on other than the vague idea that some guys on skates are trying to get some black thing into a net thing using sticks. However I certainly appreciate it more than I did before Nashville. That all being said, I’m greatly concerned about the news of ESPN’s mullet-wearing, gaudy suit sporting (not pictured), and no-doubt Camaro driving Barry Melrose becoming the new coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning.
On the hockey level, a quick glance at Melrose’s Wikipedia page reveals that he hasn’t coached since the 1994-1995 season. Before that, he only coached in the NHL starting with the 1992-1993 season. To those counting, that’s a grand total of 3 seasons of NHL coaching experience followed by 13 seasons of being an analyst for ESPN. I may not know much about hockey, but it doesn’t take Brian Bellows (NSFW Language) to tell you that that’s a bad idea. (For the record, I desperately need his jersey.)
More importantly, at a media level Barry has been the proverbial “mourner desperately swinging a shovel preventing a rabid group of undertakers from putting the final nail in the coffin” of hockey since the recent lock out. (Proverbialness not guaranteed.) As far as I can tell, he was the only Hockey analyst that ESPN even had. So where the hell do they go from here? Unless they can lure Don Cherry and his unbeatably-ridiculous-so-don’t-even-try collection of suits away from the CBC, then I fear that hockey will become Canada’s soccer.
One of the interesting phenomenons of the past decade or so is the explosion of eBay and the appearance of idiots who try and sell random junk to make money. I’ve bought many an item of eBay, but nothing like the apple core on which Tiger Woods was munching at the 12th tee during the 2008 U.S. Open. That would be weird enough, but some other genius put Tiger’s apple remains from the 16th on eBay as well! We’ve all seen morons trying to exploit get rich schemes in our own towns, but eBay has given them a medium to reach the world. I think my favorite part of the whole thing is the description of the 12th tee core:
I never touched the core, Scooped it up in a empty beer cup, as not to disrupt the DNA, Ive got lots of witness’…all moneys go to my daughters college fund
Thanks guy. The best thing about eBay is that it’s a great place to buy random, obscure items that you can’t find in your home town, and the worst thing about eBay is that it’s a great place to buy random, obscure items that you can’t find in your home town.
I’m sure most folks have read the accounts of Javon Walker being found unconcsious, robbed, and with a caved-in dome on the Las Vegas strip. (Yes, that Javon Walker.) Javon had earlier been in a Las Vegas club spraying 15 large worth of Dom Perignon over a crowd, and the immediate thought by most was that he pissed off some posse that was also in the club. However the immediate question is, where was Javon’s entourage? Why was he found alone one the strip at 6 in the morning? It’s being reported today that Javon explained:
I was just back at my room, and at about 5:30 in the morning, I got a knock at the door. I opened it, and three guys with guns were there. They cracked me in the head a few times, knocking me unconscious. They then robbed me of everything I had; my watch, money, everything. Somehow they got me to a car and dropped me off in the street. That’s what happened.
At first glance I thought, “Wow, this guy was just the victim of a planned robbery.” But after pausing for a second to think about the implications of this statement, I quickly came to the realization that he’s probably stretching the truth a bit.
Let’s think about this for a second. Firstly, who opens a hotel door at 5:30 in the morning to anyone? And more importantly, who opens the door to a bunch of menacing looking dudes? It certainly wasn’t housekeeping coming in at 5:30 in the morning. Let’s assume for a second that Javon didn’t look out the peep-hole and just blindly opened the door. These dudes beat him up, take his gear, and haul him out to their car. Now let’s pause here for a second. Firstly, what criminal kidnaps a dude to dump him on a street after knocking him unconcious and then taking all his gear? You’ve got everything already. However more important that all of these little hiccups, this was in THE BELLAGIO. That’s right, that Bellagio. Assuming these dudes could even get up to Javon’s suite, don’t you think there would have been some footage of this supposed kidnapping? I’m willing to bet every square foot of that casino has around 9 cameras trained on it, so I’d be a bit surprised that a bunch of dudes hauling a body through the floor of a casino would go unnoticed. Did they dress him up “Weekend at Bernie’s” style and just haul him through the floor? Did they stuff him in a duffle bag and drag him through the casino? Did they bake him in a cake and wheel him out? Essentially, I argue it’s IMPOSSIBLE to drag a body through a casino without looking suspicious.
It would appear that the Chicago Bears have continued self-policing their roster by releasing RB Cedric Benson after his DUI bust this past weekend. Observers will note that he picked up a boating DUI in the spring, and that Benson was clearly just continuing his life goal of getting a DUI in every type of motorized vehicle. I was hoping to see him get liquored up and strap himself to one of of those fan/go-kart/hang-glider things, but it looks like the Bears stopped this potentially incredible streak before it could ever get off the ground. I guess they’ll have to find someone else to run into a pile of dudes and fall down. I wonder if anyone will ever draft a RB with dreads out of Texas ever again?
My brother and I have had a long understanding. Certain music absolutely drives us insane, and we should have the right to automatically turn off the stereo should one of our forbidden songs appear. We say that these songs are dead to us, and number one with bullet on my brother’s list is Bob Seger. (Those Chevy commercials from the 90s did it for him.) At any rate, I figure this would be a pretty good venue to establish a continuous list of songs/artists that are dead to me. With that, I’m going to go into my first “Dead to Me” song, Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll” of of their album IV.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike Led Zeppelin. I do feel that they might be overplayed to a level of absolute insanity, and there is no better example than the line of Cadillac commercials that ran earlier this decade that featured this “Dead to Me” song:
This may not be the best example as the song is only featured at the end of the commercial, but it’s a good indicator of how commercials can absolutely murder a good song. I can’t even listen to it anymore because I just feel like I’m getting worked. Plus, what about Led Zeppelin is embodied in Cadillac? I understand the company is trying to revamp their image, but could they please not take the greats of rock down with them? They had another great example of a misguided ad choice in their 2007 ad that featured the Teddybears’ “Punk Rocker.” But you hear that in the background? That would be Iggy Pop. (The same Iggy Pop signed off on allowing his iconic drum intro to “Lust for Life” to be featured in featured in a Royal Carribean Cruise Line ad campaign that was mercifully shortlived enough to avoid being added to my “Dead to Me” list) But I digress, Cadillac murdered “Rock and Roll” for me, and I’ll never forgive them for it.
Perhaps it’s my fault for watching too much TV and listening to too much radio, but these freecreditreport.com commercials have got to stop. These commercials have annoyed me on such a profound level that I have vowed to never, ever purchase their products. And they’re just a gigantic scam as well, the credit report is only free if you sign up for some sort of monthly monitoring service through Experian. On top of all this, thanks to an Act of Congress everyone can already get a free credit report once a year from each of the three major reporting houses. (Including Experian) These commercials are clearly just preying on the stupid/gullible, and they are absolutely driving me insane. No real insight here, just a good ‘ole tirade.
With the past weekend’s CBS broadcast of an MMA fight and the subsequent mass reaction this week, I figured now would be a good a time as any to describe why I am, at best, suspicious of this new trend. Mixed Martial Arts fighting seemed to have popped up over the past decade as a largely organic movement. For the most part, there was little mainstream coverage, but the sport still managed to grow rapidly. And that’s about the one thing I find impressive about the whole MMA craze.
One of the tenets of modern sport is the existence of set rules of play. All sports including existing competitive martial arts like jujitsu, boxing, and kick boxing have established rules and styles. People aren’t simply free to do whatever they want, and the adaptation of players to excel within the defined rules that makes sport impressive. Take basketball for example. The fundamental rule of dribble movement makes the sport fundamentally more complicated as it forces people to adapt their style of play to fit the rules. Basketball would be out of business if it just consisted of people running up and down the floor carrying the rock and shooting Js. However these rules don’t seem to apply in MMA. The sport largely consists of setting two guys in a polygon wailing on each other with whatever style they so please, and half the time it involves both fighters locked up grappling on the floor. If I wanted to see this garbage, I’d go to my local sketchy bar and watch late-night brawls.
It is often argued that these MMA fighters are tremendously skilled athletes who train relentlessly to perfect their craft. This may be true, however in general the more people have to describe to me how much skill and athleticism is involved in a given sport, the more suspicious I get. I should be able to detect these skills on my own, and watching a couple of dudes grappling on a mat isn’t convincing me.
I’m finally back in town, so let me start the summer rants off with some stored up thoughts from our recent travels through Boston, New York, DC, and Chicago.
Couldn’t You Have Found a Better Way to Say This?
The first leg of our trip was spent in Boston, and after we had settled into our hotel, we decided to stroll around the Beacon Hill and downtown areas. While wandering by the Massachusetts State House, my brother noticed this sign. Really Massachusetts? That’s the best way you could think to say this?
However the mystery deepens. I first assumed that there was an entrance on a “Hooker St” nearby, but a quick glance at Google Maps reveals that there is no such street near the State House. What in the hell does this sign mean then? Is there some local term I’m just missing? (Also notice that whatever was written below the line in question was taped over. I guess it was potentially offensive.)
Have the Yankees Learned Anything About Security?
The three of you that read my rants are well aware that I’m not the biggest fan of the new national obsession with security. With this in mind, I’m guessing you can predict how I’d react when the security officers at Yankee Stadium would not allow me to bring my bag in with me to the stadium. In order to attend the game, I would have to check my satchel across the street at some bar and then go back through security. Now normally this would be the point of the write-up in which I would launch into a tirade, but I’m actually alright with this. I can get with the fact that some potential “targets” are of higher profile than others, and as I much as it pains me to say it, I can agree that New York is likely the potential bullseye in many an international malcontent’s grand schemes. So I admittedly was cool.
So why do I include this little observation in here if I myself had no problem with it? Well I met up with my mother inside the stadium, and she had no problem bring in her bag. It turns out females can bring in bags and backpacks as normal, and they only get the casual bag search that is normally to be expected at a sporting event. So let me get this straight, men can’t bring in bags, but women can? Better hope the next big extremist movement isn’t exclusively female.
The New Nationals Stadium Blew It
Earlier in the summer I caught at baseball game in Pittsburgh, and I couldn’t have been more pleased with the stadium. The seats had a wide panoramic view of the many bridges that cross the Allegheny River. All of this was set in the imposing shadow of downtown Pittsburgh. The team may suck, but they’ve got an incredible stadium.
With that in mind, I figured that the new Nationals stadium would make use of views of the iconic landmarks in DC in placing their stadium. I understand space is tight in the city, but it would make sense to at least be able to see the Washington Monument or the Capitol Building off in the distance. And from what I read back in the early stages of its development, the organizers had done such that. The stadium was to be situated in the southern portion of the city and was planned to have a nice, albeit distant, view of these landmarks. However after sitting in our seats, all I could see where crappy office buildings and parking garages. It turns out the city didn’t zone the area outside of the stadium as a no-build zone to preserve the view. Now the view is a wasteland of office parks. FAIL
The Playing of Queen at Sporting Events
I’ve mentioned many of my irrational hatreds on this website, but I remembered one that I haven’t mentioned: Playing Queen at sporting events. Let me qualify this here, I actually like some Queen songs, I just hate HATE HATE hearing “We Are the Champions” and “We Will Rock You” at sporting events. This is probably the most played out trend at arenas of all time, and I want it to die.
As an aside, I’ve always wondered why crowds basically only use the same three clapping routines during cheers. (I.e. “O-ver-ated! Clap Clap Clap-Clap-Clap”) Might I suggest a new one? The Terminator 2 clap. (Just the intro little bit.)
